• Speaking IN Ownership – Examples of What Not to Say and What TO say

    Posted on March 23, 2013 by in Relationship Language - Communication

    Like I have said before, Speaking IN Ownership of your emotions empowers you to stay in a space of CHOICE. You can’t control anyone else but you have full control of how YOU show up in the world.

    What Not to Say – Giving Up Your Power Of Choice In How You Feel

    An example of giving up your power of choice in how you feel to your boyfriend would be: “You really pissed me off by saying that!” How does your boyfriend or many other people react when you say they pissed you off? Defensive? Angry themselves? Probably, yes. And how does that entire conversation play out? Arguing, explaining, more arguing, and then no one feels good on top of the spaghetti probably not being eaten!

    What TO Say – Keeping Hold of Your Power of Choice In How You Feel

    An example of Speaking IN Ownership and keeping hold of your power of choice in how you feel would be: “Wow…I feel really sad and angry knowing that’s how you feel about spaghetti…especially after I spent time making it for us…” And that’s all you have to say. No blaming, no yelling. Keep it simple and to the point. This statement has a completely different energy to it…Doesn’t it? Does it feel confrontational? Or does it feel like you’re simply sharing how you feel in response to his words?

    Starting to speak this way may feel odd (ok, very odd…I remember how silly I felt when I started expressing myself this way!) when you first do it…but you’ll be amazed at how your boyfriend will begin to respond. When you first start expressing your feelings and emotions this way he may look at you crazy and not really know how to respond. He may still try to pick an argument because he’s used to that pattern. If that happens, you simply say that you’re owning up to your feelings and sharing them so you don’t allows yourself to boil over like you usually do. You say that you want to feel different and this is something you’re learning to do now. He’s going to be stopped in his tracks and immediately curious.

    One KEY in expressing how you feel…Choose emotion/feeling words OTHER than hurt. It’s a trigger for your man. There are so many other words to choose from – angry, sad, agonized, distressed, pissed, crappy, icky…those are some you can start using instead of hurt. Begin to a create a list of feeling words. Ensure that the words are FEELING words. If you say “I feel…” and insert your word right after it, it should make sense. “I feel sad, I feel distressed, I feel crappy, I feel horrible, I feel amazing, I feel sexy, I feel warm and tingly, I feel GOOD!” You get the idea!

    Men are truly in awe of us as women. When we show our emotions (and emotions do not equal drama), it draws them closer to us and gives them a place to feel safe to share their emotions. Most men don’t have a place where they can be free to feel and not be looked at with glances of “Why is he acting so emotional???” by his friends, family, and co-workers. Don’t you want to be his haven where he can completely be himself and share the depth of his emotions? I know I do! Speak IN Ownership and change your relationships…and completely change the “language” of your Relationship.

    Next, we’ll talk about why you felt angry or sad about the spaghetti comment in the first place. :-)

    Much Love and talk soon!

    Sophia