• I Just LOST it! Now what?!?

    Posted on March 23, 2013 by in Relationship Language - Communication

    Relationship Language- Anger

    So…things are moving along deliciously in your relationship, then something is said or done that creates a firestorm in your belly and heart. Your attempt to maintain your resolve about evaluating what you’re feeling has flown out the window…you feel just like you’ve felt in ALL those past relationships where you didn’t feel heard, you felt judged, you felt small, and you instantly REACT with complete anger- using words and doing things that could cut and tear down your relationship – instead of moving into awareness and RESPONDING about how you feel – acknowledging to yourself that you feel angry, asking yourself why, then communicating that IN Ownership to your mate.  Sound familiar? And NOW what do you do???

    First…

    Be gentle with yourself for losing your temper! You’ve just been provided an opportunity to grow. Embrace it!

    After that…

    Tell your love that you’re feeling crappy about how you just responded and are going to take some time to get yourself together.

    Next…

    Exit the room stage left. Go into the bathroom for a breather, the bedroom, take a drive…whatever feels right and where you know you’ll have some time to yourself so you can do what you said…get yourself together.

    Now That You’re By Yourself…

    Ask yourself why you felt the way you felt and why you responded the way you responded. Feel free to answer yourself out loud. Get comfortable articulating it. Make sure you are talking about why the feelings came up for you in a way that isn’t blaming your love. You responded this way, no one can MAKE you do anything.

    After You’re Clear on Your Reasons Why…

    You now have an opportunity to do something that will strengthen the bond you have with your love. You’re going to apologize for responding the way you did and let them know it was about the feelings that came up for you in response to what was said or done. You’re going to Speak IN Ownership and tell your love how you felt and what was the event from your past that you associated the situation to. You’re going to continue to Speak IN Ownership of what you were feeling. The statement will be short and sweet and to the point and you won’t be expecting ANY response in return. You can end the statement with. “I don’t like how I felt and how I responded. I’m glad I’m able to work on this feeling because I don’t want to feel this way or act this way anymore.” And you’ll truly mean it.

    After You’ve Spoke IN Ownership…

    If Speaking IN Ownership is a new phenomena for you, be prepared for your love to be at a loss for words, or subconsciously doing something else that may be a trigger for you, say they are confused, or…*insert reaction to being confused about not being blamed for your feelings here*. In THAT moment… STAY aware and feel free to say you feel confused as well…stay there…in silence…let yourself continue to feel what you’re feeling. You’ll sense a shift in the energy in the room – as in, you’ll sense that it’s calm enough for you to walk away, then do so.

    What This Does for YOU, your Love, and your relationship…

    You just took a step in creating more depth to the bond you have. Being able to articulate how you feel helps others to feel safe doing the same and you’ll be amazed at how quickly how you interact will shift when you continue to Speak IN Ownership in your relationship this way.

    Much Love to you!

    Sophia