Hello Beautiful You!
You may think that things are unique in every relationship that you have but if you look under the surface, you may find there are quite a few things that are very similar happening in slightly new ways. Take me for example… For MANY years, I was in a relationship with, we’ll call him, Steve. Steve and I had this cycle (one of many cycles…). I’d think of the things I wanted him to say or do instinctively, without me having to voice what I wanted. Then I’d get mad that he wouldn’t do or say those things he “SHOULD” know automatically. That led to us fighting or even worse, not talking for weeks (often times MONTHS) at a time. Sound familiar? This is reason #1.
Reason #1: Thinking that our partner should be a mind reader.
As much as we wish our partners could read our minds. It comes down to the simple fact that if we don’t specifically ask for what we want, how the heck is ANYONE supposed to know what we want? SPEAK! You deserve to give yourself clarity on what you want and your partner deserves to have a chance at stepping up to give you what you’ve asked for. If they don’t step up…that’s another blog post. 😉
In one of my previous jobs, I had a supervisor that would generally only contact me on the phone when there was an issue – bad news was the usual suspect. After a while, anytime I would see my supervisor’s number on my phone my entire body would jump to the assumption that there’s nothing but bad news about to happen. This is an example of reason #2.
Reason #2: Making the most painful assumptions about your partner’s actions, words, or behaviors
Let’s face it…Once we’ve felt burned in any way, we have a tendency to become more guarded…more protective of our hearts, and when we see any behavior, words, just about ANYTHING coming from our partner that is remotely similar to something we’ve experienced either with them or frequently, in a past relationship, we immediately jump to the emotional space of the pain that past experience triggered for us. Yes, our brain wants to protect us…but jumping to this emotional place and making the most painful assumptions about your partners actions, words, or behaviors do nothing but keep you both from FULLY healing and creating a space of open communication. You also will be helping the universe reinforce all the things you say you DON’T want to experience by continuing to allow yourself to go to that same painful place by default. In a nutshell, this all comes down to Trust (yes, with a capital T). Brené Brown (http://brenebrown.com/about/), a researcher, story teller, and author, has (through her body of research and work that spans over a decade) created a guide to cultivating trust (in yourself and trust in others) in her book Rising Strong and it is summarized by an acronym – B.R.A.V.I.N.G. Here, I’m focusing on G – Generosity.
Generosity: Extending the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words and actions of others.
If we come from THIS space of Generosity, we will create a brand new type of dialogue with ourselves AND with our partners. Your partner loves, you, right? You’ve made a decision to share your life with this person. Give them the benefit of the doubt that they do actually have your best interest at heart. If they’ve repeatedly shown you otherwise, then that is a different topic that we’ll cover in another post.
I remember when my fiance was considering moving to a new location for work. I also remember the internal stress and freak out moments I would have whenever he would talk about it. I went as far as unconsciously making comments about how I didn’t want him to make a change. It was in this moment that I realized how AGAINST the grain I would get when my “normal” was potentially changing into something even more beautiful for me. And this brings us to reason #3.
Reason #3: Living in FEAR of our “normal” changing
When we allow FEAR to be the default tendency that we stay in when something is potentially going to change in our relationship (or in life for that matter), we will subconsciously sabotage things that may be just the the thing that will allow our relationship to grow and for us to grow as humans. Is change uncomfortable? Heck yeah. Can your relationship blossom into something more beautiful without change? Ummm…no. KEY POINT: Knowing the difference between “I feel this change will put me in new territory that stretches who I want to become” vs. “I feel afraid that this change is going to jeopardize who I am at my core” are TWO different types of fear. LISTEN to your gut and be solid with what’s important to you at your core and uphold your boundaries. If it’s that fear of change that will stretch the beautiful you to new heights? Let it go and open yourself up to learn!
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Until next time – Be The Amazingly Beautiful YOU,
Sophia – Relationship Interpreter